For once

let me out where eyes greet me in the face
and not pry along my breasts or stare as I bend, between my legs.

let me out to play in the dirt
let me shout to cry and agitate
let me love another girl

no i do not love knitting
no i do not love cooking
no i do not want you proposing on one knee
and Yes i mean NO when i say No

Just once

let me be,
no one's mother
no one's sister
no one's wife
no one's daughter

keep your business in your trouser pockets
next to that which gives you over me.

of love happiness and excitement.

of all the things i have done,

i feel the need to do it once again.

of all the things i have said,

i feel the need to savor it up again

of all the life i have lived,

i wish i could do it all once again.

no. not in anguish,

but an urge to know once again.

of

what comprises,

what confines,

what conjures,

what configures...

the space i share of now...

at the past i look in desperate curiosity,

of the future i look in anticipation,

of the present...

i feel just too happy.

i blow you a melody of the lilies,
i send you snowflakes of the sun.

to the dusky body,
tired yet enchanted,
i pass you a vintage of the soul.

of birth and rebirth,
i have no idea.
of life and living,
i crave to see more.

to the phoenix,
her ash is not her exhaustion,
but the state at which..
all life is achieved.

beyond all night lies the sun,
yet the sky that shelters all,
is the blackhole of the night..

this night i pass you,
in a goblet of hope,
gulp it down,
and see the morn rise within..

Waiting

what if life did not matter?
what if the carpet above did not exist?
what if the i did not belong?

Is life the coffin or the body inside?
is not equality over hyped?
does not charity begin and belong at home?

what is wrong in being selfish?
wrong in asserting your self?

the microcosm is recognized,
the diseased head was held high,
while the macrocosm celebrated equality,
their heads below, as ants, smiling disturbingly.

why don't they speak?
or is the voice just drowned, unrecognisable, godotic?
Where is it?
above, below, around, inside?

what is that shrill sound?
a deep whining?
is it... err.... sarcastic?

there's a music in the air!!
no its a noise!
no, a grumbling!
or may be just another ... lecture!!!
[Silence]

EXIT
[the pen does not stop]

Ma.

i searched for long for a smile like yours..

in the valleys,
in the meadows,
among the heath,
beneath the rocks.

Depressed when i sat down in wrathful angst,
They said,
Stupid Girl,
you look here in vain,
for what shines is within,
and tempers the without.

Fear not the lack of sight,
When the sight becomes the site,pristine beauty shines,
in tune with droplets of holy dread.

Shades

there are shades of light i have not seen, there are shades of emotions that remain yet unfelt. there are shades in everything i soon came to learn and then ... unlearn. and the process has continued. i have seen you for long yet i know know what to presume. logic stands as a sign post to a direction i wish i could deny.
then there are times when i wish all was blank.. when i wished the crayon was in my hand and i heard myself say.. play on.. all this stayed till i learnt, white is a shade too.. a shade that fades into something else very fast and before you can imagine everything changed..
Shades: of thoughts that did not make it to life.. i wonder i presume that the crap i have written should ever have been done so but then i know i write for no reason but to keep my sanity alive in this insane world..

of part dreams i think not any more,
locked up, the key has been deftly lost.

at fond memories, i look back at no more,
they have been lived and done away with.

of present joys, i crave not,
insecure, i fear they'd imitate the past soon.

to the future, i think not,
untampered by thought, darkness soothes.

an abyss of nothingness
either gained or lost,
creates fancies all around.
i shut my eyes to imagination,
it's bound to fade soon.

in faith i trust,
in hope i believe,
in myself,
i conceive.

in the end life really does'nt matter,
in the end nothing matters..

the love, the pain,
the anger, the hatred,
the feeling, the felt,
the mechanics, the dynamics..

what matter's is the bishops tomb..
of sapphire? or of plain wood?
of life in the tomb?
or of life beyond that?
does it matter?
does anything matter at all?

i guess not...
i presume not.
but agree to?
i do not!
Life must have meaning..
it has to.. it must.

too many thoughts, too many memories,
where do i run? where do i go?
they stand in each corner,
behind each bend,
with arms wide open,
and that horrendous smile wide..

that smile, that smile,
that twist the sinews of my heart,
that smile once was all i lived for,
all i longed,
all i belonged to..

life is an adventure,
life is a challenge,
but that solace,
that sweet little feeling through the day..

i have long refused it,
but now...
it seems to refuse itself..

i see a star lost in the clouds,
yet it has not lost its spark..

the clouds cover it,
but cannot hide..
the small little wonder that it is..

i love that star,
that fond little one,
that makes the clouds wither away.

yet it seems sad above,
lonely on its own.

the moon is near,
giving it light.
yet it seems so drawn apart.

i love that star,
that brave little bug,
yet fear grips me,
for reasons unknown.

Ek purono bondhu,
hotat dorjae ek dak,
kothaou ekta halka pichu tan..

ei bondhu fire ja,
ar koddur ashbi shate shate?
aj je hobe na khela,
hotat hoe gelo shokalei bela.

ei bondhu kotha de,
saathe thakbi, pashe thakbi,
jotoi hok na bela.

raag hok ba dukkho,
obhiman hok ba ohonkar,
shamne eshe dish nohoe dui gal,
kintu jashna hoe aral.

Ekta dosh dosh'er ghor,
ekta purono boi'r halka gondho,
koekta cholte jawa hashir mukh,
Ekta neem gach.

Er majhe harie jawa amar choto bela.

Ekta half packed suitcase,
koekta ogochano jama,
mejhei ekta calendar.

Er majhe harie jawa amar choto bela.

Ekta faka ghor,
tar moddhe halka hashi,
chapa kanna,
onnekhani obhiman.

Tar majhe amar choto bela.

Chilo ek bondhu amar,
Geche jano lukie kothao..
Chilo ek boi amar,
Golpo khani olpo mone..

Harie jawa din gulo,
keno je aj mone pore.
Harie jawa din gulo,
aj jano khali thatta kore..

"Amra to gelam beche,
Shomoe'r majhe atke gie.

Ja dekhini egie ja,
Khub to chilo tara tor..

Dekh jibon ti kemon lage,
Amae chere palie chilish,
Amae dhore rakhte na pere,
Dekh jibon ti kemon lage"

i see a dream a rationl one,
where a tendril grows to beome a tree,
a flower blooms to become a fruit,
the sky fades to welcome the moon.
a mother waits upon her son,
an eager face looks out of a window.



then there is light.




a few are shunned inside..
the other few outside
bring out their grotesque umbrellas.
that crawl like bacteria from all around.




No one talks of warmth.